Holding out for a wholehearted yes

What Jane Austen taught me about being single (+ a look at my Regency dress in all her glory)

You’ve probably heard the saying: “There are only two people you should aim to make proud in your life: your 8-year-old self and your 80-year-old self.”

It’s a good rule of thumb for living an authentic life free from the pressures and expectations of others.

However, there is one person outside of myself that I’d happily add to my list: my girl, Jane Austen.

Not to put Jane on a pedestal because she’d probably hate that idea—though I’ve literally beheld the pedestal desk on which she penned some of the greatest works of all time 🤓—but if my actions would also make this witty, talented, discerning woman proud, then rest assured, I’m making an intentional, wise choice.

We often think of Jane in the context of her timeless novels and unforgettable characters, but the woman behind the page was just as compelling, if not more. She was ridiculously funny, honest about her faults, and deeply caring about the people around her.

But one of the things I love most about this esteemed author is that she lived a life that was authentic, brave, and self-honoring, even when it meant sacrificing the guarantee of safety and security for herself and her closest loved ones.

If you didn’t know this about her, Jane was once engaged for twelve hours. No one knows for certain why she retracted her initial acceptance to family friend, Harris Bigg-Wither—though many have speculated the reasons, including my dear Austen scholar and friend, Phil Howe, who wrote the play Twelve Hours that explores what she must have thought and felt during that “dark night of the soul”—but regardless, it was a decision that had very real implications for her life and her mother and sister’s, too.

She never did end up marrying before her early death at age 41. But from her books and letters, we can gather that she had a very keen understanding of love and what she might have desired in a partnership.

I’d like to believe that Jane’s initial “yes” to the proposal came out of a sense duty and responsibility and, likely, shock and that her final “no” came out of the belief that she wanted more for herself—that she was willing to say no to a certain, but undesired future and hold out for an uncertain but more aligned, wholehearted yes, even if it never came to fruition.

As a single woman who very much desires a lasting partnership and family, I am so struck by the courage it must have taken to change her mind and hold out for what she really wanted during a time when your marital status was not just a tax benefit but a literal lifeline. If she could find the resolve to say no to what society said she should “just suck up and accept and be grateful already” and, instead, wish for something even more aligned, then perhaps so can I.

For Jane, that more aligned partnership never did come to fruition. But maybe, just maybe…it could for me. For you.

Oddly, her story gives so much hope for the future. And her books give me the chance to experience a taste of the kind of love I believe is possible in the meantime. I’m eternally grateful.

Last month, I got to live out my best Regency dreams at two different events—an afternoon tea for our local sewing group and a Jane Austen-themed bookstore event—and something about tapping into the energy of this time period has felt really magical.

If you are new to me, you might not know that I used to have a lifestyle and fashion blog called The Modern Austen, loosely inspired by my college capstone project that explored what makes Jane Austen so timeless and why there continues to be so many literary adaptations and spin-offs created from her works. While I wouldn’t have been surprised to know that my love and appreciation for Jane has only grown, I never could’ve dreamed I would sew my own Regency gown years later!

Naturally, I spent months poring over fabric options, deciding on a pattern, sewing up a test version and making adjustments before finally stitching up the final look. Oh, and don’t forget sourcing accessories, whipping up a cute matching reticule bag, and fashioning a straw bonnet to complete the look!

When it finally all came together and I fastened the straw bonnet on my head, I was absolutely elated. Truly, I think it’s the most amazing I’ve felt, maybe ever? Though it’s not the style I would choose, it was exactly how I hope to feel on my future wedding day: beautiful, radiant, and like my vision came to life exactly as I hoped.

The bookstore event was the following weekend and featured flower arranging, calligraphy, embroidery, trivia, and afternoon tea—and the $35 ticket included a beautifully bound copy of an Austen novel of your choice! It was the most ideal way to spend a Sunday afternoon and my friends and I left dizzy with excitement and the satisfaction that comes when it pays to be bold—in our case, winning prizes for donning our full Regency lewks again in public 😂.

In case you are wondering how you can recreate the look, here are some details:

Regency Dress and Accessory Details

• Pattern: Daphne Dress by Sewing Patterns by Masin

• Size: D

• Adjustments: I raised the neckline by an inch, extended the bodice by two inches, took out a wedge from the center front, and added about four inches to the sleeve hem elastic because ya girl has 💪🏻

• Fabric: “Regency Stripe - Green” by katherinecodega in cotton poplin from Spoonflower

• Reticule bag: I added a few inches to the top of the smallest Bampton Drawstring Bag pattern (free) and sourced the trim and fabric from Joann Fabrics.

• Hat: I added flowers and ribbon from Joann Fabrics to this straw bonnet from Amazon. (Be warned: this hat comes from China so it takes a while to ship—mine came in the night before the event!)

• Gloves: This pair from Amazon

• Shoes: Target

• Tights: Target

As if that wasn’t enough literary excitement, I’ve since taken this relationship with Jane to the next level. You’re looking at a freshly minted member of the Jane Austen Society of North America! 🤓

I’ll be attending the JASNA conference in Cleveland this October and I can’t wait to see what else I might learn from this incredible woman and the people who also love and admire her. See you there?

Excuse me while I search incessantly for the perfect fabric for my ball gown…Should I go classic white a la Lizzy Bennett, as is customary for the time, or option for bold Bridgerton vibes?

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